2014 Attack of the Puns

Happy New Year, dear readers. Hope you all received your midnight kisses. I did not, though I did receive my fill of drunks puking or peeing on the sidewalk, and I almost got in a fight while trying to keep a drunk friend from getting into a cab with four strange guys. But I like to judge things on their story value. Congrats 2014, you've started with quite the interesting story. Another time though.

I read through my past posts, and I've found that I've been progressively more informational, and less entertaining. While I value the importance of getting some kind of intellectual something something from things one reads, I'm a little bothered at my gradual increase in dryness. I never want this to seem like I'm lecturing in front of a chalk board, unless the chalk board has stick figures and diosaurs drawn on it. So, in this new year, I'm going to try and communicate more of my take on the information rather than just the information itself. Let's see if we can catch a few laughs while talking about…

Chapter 5: The Raw Ingredients

Meat

Yes, it's the new year and we're all on diets. What better thing to start with than juicy delicious dead animals (sorry veggies)? This chapter starts with the basics of where to purchase, pack, and store meat. In the next bit we find a couple interesting things. Heads up, this is gonna be full of meat puns, appropriate and not. I'll probably be milking them for all they're worth. You've probably herd them before, they're not really rare.

Firstly, something with which I've only been mildly acquainted, the quality grading of meats. 

First chart of the new year, woohoo!

So meat is graded on a number of things, most prominently (shown in this chart) the marbling and maturity of the meat. The marbling refers to the distribution of fat with lean muscle. Looks like marble, beautiful lines and squiggles running through a solid color. You know, but it was alive. Maturity doesn't exactly refer to the actual age of the meat, but rather the physiological age. There are a lot of other factors that steer a meat being categorized in maturity brackets ranging from A-E, but there's a lot of anatomy and such, so we'll skip it. Feel free to browse here if you'd like to know more about cartilage ossification and it's placement on the dorsal edges of individual sacral and lumbar vertebrae and spinous processes of the thoractic vertebraeyadayadayada. Interestingly enough, while the USDA requires inspections of farms/ranches/slaughterhouses etc. in order to make sure everything is kosher (but… not literally necessarily), the actual grading is not required. So theoretically not all meat is graded. But it's realistically the same as the Motion Picture Association of America not really being any kind of governing body whose approval is required, but if you want your movie shown in theaters, you'd better have them give it a rating. If you want to shove your meat in America's collective mouth, you'd better have it graded (phrasing… boom). 

After our grades, we have our cuts. Another concept full of terms we've heard but not really thought about. For your consideration, I've provided a chart with the cuts and where they come from… and I chose a chart without a face. You're welcome. 

We also have charts for pork, veal, and lamb, but we won't focus on those for now. I wouldn't want to boar ewe.

The beef industry is a pretty big deal. We in the states devote something like 600 million acres (probably more now) of land to pasture to raise livestock. That's a lot of cows, more than anywhere else in the world. And as we mentioned before in the last post, cows are especially talented at ripping ass. Have you ever been to another country and thought "Wow, the air is so much cleaner here?" There are a few reasons: cars, industry… but also cow poots. Of course there are some parts of the states that smell worse than others. I was in Porterville, CA awhile back, and the place is surrounded by cows… and therefore enveloped in one giant cow air-biscuit. I'd assume the rent is quite cheap there. 

Isn't this a cooking blog? *Sigh* I can never turn down the opportunity to talk about butt trumpets. Mooving on… 

Since I'm Jewish, I have to mention a bit about Kosher meats. For those of you who aren't acquainted with Judaism/don't have any Jewish friends, being Kosher is basically a bunch of crazy rules in the Torah (first five books of the bible), that dictate what Jews eat, how it's prepared, and when they can have it. Common rules include not eating pork (or any meat from an animal with a cloven hoof), shellfish, and not mixing meat and dairy. I'm… not Kosher. My sophomore year of college, in order to "Christen" (hehe) our new grill, my roommate (after winning a few rounds of rock paper scissors) prepared bacon-wrapped shrimp with provolone cheese. Pretty much as far from Kosher as it gets. Delicious. 

In order for a meat to be considered Kosher, it has to be specifically slaughtered, bled, and fabricated in compliance with the crazy laws in the Torah. I suppose they have to be pretty specific if God says so. Those are some pretty high steaks. In order to get the Kosher stamp on your meat, the animal has to be slaughtered by a Shochet, (from the Hebrew root Shin-Chet-Tav, meaning to kill or destroy) and he is akin to a rabbi of the butchery. The animal is killed very specifically with an obscenely sharp knife, and it is widely considered the most humane form of slaughter, the animal feeling no pain and unconscious in less than two seconds. If you'd like to read more about it… go for it.

Side note: one of the crazy theories for why Jews were (are?) so hated around the world draws from their being Kosher. Back when the black plague ravaged Europe, the Jews lived outside of the cities, and were so persnickety about what/where/when/how they prepared and ate their food, that relatively few died of the mortal disease. From this, many drew the conclusion that the Jews had sent the plague. Though, realistically there are plenty of reasons why Europe had beef with the Jews. This story might be total bull.

Poultry

We will now be switching from meat to poultry puns. Hopefully they'll be just as eggsellent. Hope you're ready for some fairly free-range punning.

To be perfectly honest, most poultry is roughly the same but in different sizes. A squab is smaller than a guinea hen is smaller than a hen is smaller than a duck is smaller than a capon is smaller than a goose is smaller than a turkey. Couple of terms in there one might not know:

• Guinea hen: kind of like a little pheasant.
• Squab: sounds fancy… but it's a pigeon. That doesn't fly.
• Capon: A castrated male chicken. Apparently castration makes it taste better. Sound's pretty fowl to me.

Poultry all pretty much have the same cuts, as shown here:

"Draw me like one of your French girls"

More poultry trivia:

• More Jewish stuff: Schmaltz, or rendered chicken fat, is a common ingredient in the Jewish kitchen. Sometimes it's just served plain on toast.
• Alektrophobia is the fear of chickens
• In the Middle Ages, it was believed that chicken soup was an aphrodisiac. Pretty original, that's thinking outside the boks.
• Ben Franklin was a major advocate for the turkey being the national bird instead of the bald eagle. He made a very strong case, and he wasn't chicken about it. But in the end, like thanksgiving leftovers, he was foiled. Speaking of founding fathers…

John Hand-Cock

Some puns from the "Terrible Thanksgiving Pun Turkey"

Fish.

Once again we'll be changing the theme of our puns. I'll do my best, let minnow if I'm floundering. Personally, I'm getting hooked.

Ok so when purchasing fish, there are a few things you want to look for. First, smell it. If it smells fresh, like the sea, it's good to go. If it smells super strong, well then… there's something fishy going on. Next, feel the skin. It should be slick and moist, with the scales firmly attached. Also look at the fins and tail. If they're looking pretty ragged, that fish is probably reely bad. Flesh should be firm and elastic, the eyes should be very clear and full. As fish age, their eyes get weird, and if you've got cloudy eyes, then it's a red herring. Check the gills, they should be red to maroon color with no gray or brown. The belly should have no sign of "belly burn," which is when the stomach enzymes begin to eat the flesh because the guts are not removed properly. Hey, cleaning fish is hard, but you don't have to be a brain sturgeon. And of course if you've got shellfish, make sure it's moving or not moving depending on the type (lobster/crab should move, clams/mussels should be super closed). 

We've had so much Jewish stuff... just evenin' it out

Now, as I read through this part of the chapter, it's amazing the scale of fish listed that we eat. So instead of listing each fish and it's family tree, I've decided to show a few of the weirdest fish we eat. 

Yes... we all know what it looks like.

Now, not native to the sea, we have the Geoduck (pronounced gooeyduck, it's some kind of native american something something). Now that large appendage is NOT what you think it is. Basically it buries itself in muddy lakes and sticks that thing out and collects food. It's akin to a mollusk and it's a delicacy in many parts of the world. I don't think I've ever haddock-ray-ving for this one though. Lets… not look at it anymore. 

That's a tall, frosty glass of NOPE

Speaking of phallic terrors, we have one of the ultimates: the Lamprey. This thing latches on to other fish with its rows of scary teeth and sucks out their guts. We actually eat this demon tube? Well, not so much in the states, but in Portugal, it's popularly eaten by boiling it in it's own blood. Rice on the side. Not sure if I'd eat that… have to mullet over.

Bringing sexy back

The Monkfish is quite the looker as far as seafood. But, it is actually "slimy yet satisfying." It has a texture and flavor very similar to lobster, so it's fairly widely used in the cheffing world. At Pike's Place Market in Seattle, they have a very famous Monkfish prank, it's pretty funny in person. 

Well I'd like to say the first offishial post of the new year has gone quite swimmingly. I've had a whale of a time. I'm glad to have have the op-perch-tuna-ty to share this info with you all. If you have any more meat/poultry/fish puns, please feel free to leave them in the comments just for the halibut. Next week we'll continue with fruits and stuff. 

Pun Count: 37

Happy New Year

Cheers

Knives and such. Not as fun as you thought.

So after last Monday's fiasco, we're back at Cafe 109. It's lovely on Fridays. Sitting here again with my Chai tea, listening to Jackie, the harpist, play Christmas carols. After every song, an old gentleman (with a stellar beard) applauds alone while the few other patrons continue studying. It's charming, and I'm only a little bit hung over after last night. 

We've arrived at our kitchen equipment. Now, at first I was excited, as the main tool in the kitchen is the knife, and knives are awesome. Well, while this chapter does discuss knives, I quickly realized that it's very little fun to read about knives, as opposed to using them. SO until we get to the "chopping things" chapter, knives are a little… boring. 

There are a ton of them though. And a ton of kitchen utensils. Since this chapter is basically a big list of shit you should have neatly organized in your kitchen drawers, I've decided to briefly go over knife things, and then talk about some of the more strange items we can find in the master chef's equipment arsenal. 

Chapter 4: Equipment Identification

Knives

Here of course we find the most important and most expected line in this chapter: Handle knives with respect. While this might seem obvious, from what I've read about chefs, many take this to a new level. Chefs take great care in sharpening and honing their knives, and surprisingly often engrave their names on the blade. This brings a certain image to mind, the chef maintaining his knives: 

Next we have sharpening knives. Now, there's a difference between sharpening and honing knives. But you need to do both. Sharpening a knife means actually taking material away from the edge in order to create a "wire edge" or a microscopic uber-sharpness. Honing a knife is more like polishing and preparing the sharpened knife, which reduces friction while slicing and dicing. This guy does a pretty good job of showing how it's done. 

Keep you knives clean. Seriously they come in contact with most of your food. 

Knife etiquette is pretty important so people don't get stabbed too. For example, when handing off a knife to someone, don't gingerly toss it to them. Lay it down on a work space with the handle pointing toward them. Don't put it on the edge of the table, then it'll fall and cut someone's toes off. When running with your knife, make sure it is pointed down, and let people know you are passing by with a sharp knife. Just kidding you shouldn't run with your knife. But the last bit is true, so keep that. 

Lastly, be sure to cut on appropriate surfaces. Wood or composite cutting boards are the best. Glass and marble are the worst and will ruin your knife. I'm personally partial to using wood cutting boards for veggies and such, and a plastic cutting board for meats. Once you've cleaned your knives, kept them properly stored. Don't shove them in a drawer, it's a really bad idea. Have you ever reached into a drawer of knives? I have. 

Next we have the parts of the knife. Instead of going over this large chunk of the chapter, I've found it condensed into a simple diagram. You're welcome.

There's more about the types and makes of each part of the knife… but just google it if you're that interested. It's a little tedious to read. Just the basics here. 

Here's another diagram of the types of knives. It's very colorful, so you know it's true. 

Now, on to our other kitchen equipment. Let's start with our pots and pans and such. Again, I've come through and found some useful diagrams!

So we've got lots of different materials for cooking pans. There's copper (old school), which transfers heat rapidly and evenly, but it's lined and if you scratch the lining you'll get copper discoloration in your food and that's no bueno. Cast iron holds heat well and transmits it evenly, but it takes forever to heat up and forever to cool down so it's difficult to manage sometimes. Stainless steel is pretty good because it's easy to clean and maintain and is a good conductor. Blue-steel, black-steel, pressed-steel and rolled-steel pans usually discolor but they transmit heat super fast so they're usually used for sautéing. Aluminum conducts heat very well, but it's a sot metal and wears down fast. It could cause your food to look grayish. And non-stick pans are good as long as you don't scratch the lining, then you're supposed to throw them out. Me, I use 316 Titanium stainless steel. The pores in the metal don't open up when heated, so they're easy to clean, conducts heat well and evenly, and there's no leeching of metals into your food as with most other metals. Worth the investment if you've got the moolah. 

Then the chapter gets into some of the larger pieces of equipment. One of these I've yet to acquire, but if anyone wants to send me money for it I'd definitely add you to my Christmas card list. 

The Immersion Blender. Sexy, no? 

The Immersion blender is for when you don't want to dump hot, chunky soup into a blender 32 oz at a time. Just keep it in the pot and grind that ish up right there! Plus, it's like having a serious power tool in the kitchen. 

[Insert grunt here]

More scary hardware: 

The Buffalo Chopper is used for grinding and chopping up your enemies in order to bake them into meat pies and serve to unsuspecting Londoners. Your enemies are placed in a rotating bowl that passes under a hood where blades chop them up. It can also be used for normal ground meat with which you have no relationship. 

The Steam-Jacketed Kettle provides even heat because steam circulates between the walls of the kettle. Pretty cool and they're great for soups and stocks and stuff.

Next we get into our ovens, ranges and such which are pretty straightforward. The one piece of hardware that I'd like from this section would be a smoker. 

Mmm look at that sexy thing

Smokers are used to treat foods with smoke. Basically it's like a grill, except you keep it at lower temperatures, and add wood to a separate compartment that smokes instead of just burning (you usually soak it in water, or sometimes you use woodchips. It really all depends on the smoker). So that sexy, delicious, smoke flavor envelops your food and makes it ridiculously heavenly. Nothing like some bbq slow-smoked over a few hours. I'm a bbq fan, as you could probably tell. If you're wondering what to get me for Christmas and you're not into the immersion blender idea, then this is another viable option: 

Then we have refrigeration equipment. You have your walk-in fridge, and your reach-in fridge. They are… exactly as they sound. The walk-in you can walk in and the reach-in you can only reach-in. 

There are a TON of other kitchen tools that the chef uses. Here's ANOTHER DIAGRAM!!!

Here's what I'll do: when we get to cooking, I'll list our tools that we're using in detail and how we use them. Otherwise it'd be a LOT of descriptions in this one blog entry.

So this entry was more pictures than anything. I'm not sure if that's good or bad, but hopefully you enjoyed it, internet. Next up, we have THE RAW INGREDIENTS.

We'll be starting off with meat (oh hell yeah). I believe we're on track to be cooking by the New Year, so that's something! See you next time on CFRN!

Cheers

Nutrition... has nothing to do with the holidays

Alright, so we're finally through all of the history/business/health parts of the book, and we've arrived at Nutrition and Healthy Cooking. I'm encouraged by the fact that it has the word cooking in the name, but I'm fairly convinced that there will be very little actual cooking involved. 

In any case, CFRN will be a little more active in the next few weeks. I'm getting impatient, and want to get my hands "dirty" (but… you know… not actually. We did just go through a whole chapter on cleanliness). So instead of writing on Fridays, I'll be writing when I have time during the week as well as Friday. As we get closer to Christmas, my voice students are going on vacation and such anyway, so I have a little extra time. Let's see if we can get to some real chiffon' by New Years!

I think the most entertaining part of this blog isn't actually the reading, although I do find the reading surprisingly fun considering it's a 1,200-ish page tome of a textbook. No, I'm actually having fun meeting people at this coffee shop. Everyone's studying for the most part, it is the season of finals and such, but at the same time it's not a totally silent, focused vibe. Now, I am by nature a social butterfly, but usually that means that I like to go out with friends rather than go alone. Here, I've found myself going out alone, and seating myself at a table with other people. Not intrusively of course, I always politely ask if I can join first, usually to be at a larger table near a power outlet. I've yet to be turned down, and people tend to be fairly sociable. And the ones who aren't terribly social are VERY interesting. Not that I eavesdrop, but I'm currently sitting at a table with three girls on the end, and one is truly fascinating. She has established that she doesn't drink, nor smoke, but she seems to be analyzing "how many grams you can snort before your body shuts down." This has been followed closely by "I mean, God kept me alive, so it was part of his plan." There are some characters here indeed.

Two cop cars just pulled up in front of the cafe, presumably something is happening next door. Seems like a party to me. Anyway.

Chapter 3: Nutrition and Healthy Cooking

Oops and now a firetruck is here too.

When looking at nutrition, we should first start with the USDA's Food Guide Pyramid. Now there have been a lot of different food pyramids, but everyone remembers the old school one:

It's funny looking at this one now, considering the aftermath of the Atkins diet. According to this picture, eat lots of Cheerios and saltine crackers, and stay away from tiny triangles (seriously, triangles? I mean, they're supposed to be sugar. If they were cubes, that would at least make some sense). 

Hm, I've never seen cops share handi wipes before. Well, they're heading out now so that's good. Don't worry, it's still very interesting here. Now we have a worship band in the coffee shop. Not that I dislike religious music. I'm Jewish, but I'm also a musician. I mean, arguably the best music in history was written for/in the name of God. I've just never been a fan of any song that only has one verse and a chorus, and just repeats for 4 and a half minutes. Also some people have joined in singing along at the table behind me. Picked up the words pretty quick, hell even I know them by now. 

Scratch that, repeats for *6 and a half minutes. *Sigh* moving on. 

So the USDA has since adopted a plate instead of a pyramid. Less structurally impressive, but easier to look at. 

Here, the difference appears to be that grains and veggies are roughly equal, as are fruits and protein. We also appear to have a glass of blue milk. Apparently this meal is served on Tatooine. 

Nerd tidbit: If you're a Star Wars fan, you're probably aware of the blue milk Luke's family shares on Tatooine in Episode IV. Now, did you know that it's actually bantha milk? Yeah, I know, I was weirded out the first time I heard it too. When you watch the movie you just write it off thinking, "huh. Blue milk, that's funny. It's space." But think about someone actually milking one of those terrifying things. I mean, whose job is that? Yech. 

Anyway, the plate is also different because you'll notice it has no mention of oils or sugars. It also gives us an fork. That's nice of them. 

Neither the pyramid nor the plate show any kind of alcohol. Not a big deal, but others do. For example, the Mediterranean food pyramid not only lists wine in moderation, but also water, and even puts being active as the all-important base of the structure. Plus it says to "Enjoy meals with others." Isn't that a nice thought? 

The rest of the first pages of this chapter go over how it's important to maintain a healthy weight, reduce total calories, eat your fruits and veggies, and "keep alcohol consumption at moderate levels (for instance, 1 to 2 glasses of wine a day for men, 1 per day for women)." So in college I actually wasn't that bad, if I had 14 drinks on a Saturday night, that averages out to 2 a day. That's how that works right?

Now we've got the ever-evolving list of "-tarians."

• Vegetarians: no meat, but eggs and dairy and such are cool
• Vegans: no meat, and also nothing the meat could have produced, i.e. no eggs, dairy, note even honey!
• Fruitarians: I'm not sure the difference here, but I think fruitarians are basically vegans who like fruit a lot. 
• Ovo-vegetarians: Vegans, but eggs are ok. NOT DAIRY THOUGH. That'd be crazy.
• Ovo/Lacto-vegetarians: you guessed it, ovo-vegetarians who got over the "no dairy" thing.
• Pesco-vegetarian: also known/spelled as pescetarians, they're vegetarians who eat fish too
• Semi-vegetarian: This is actually how I grew up, although I didn't know there was an actual name for it. So you eat everything except beef, veal, pork, lamb, and game. You can eat fish and chicken and such though. I grew up like this because my mother didn't want to "kill any cute animals." So I guess since fish and chicken aren't cute, they're suddenly edible.  

Since this book was published, there have been quite a few additions to this list. Now we have…

• Raw vegans: Raw vegans are vegans who eat only unprocessed foods that have not been heated above 115°F, which is the temperature at which nutrients begin to break down. So they're really healthy, but boring.
• Flexitarian: As opposed to semi-vegetarian, flexitarians eat everything, but they just don't do it that often. They're vegetarians who need a damn steak now and then because it's delicious. They tend to be very health conscious too.
• Macrobiotic: I… don't really get this one. It's basically pescetarian, however they don't eat fish very often, and they're very into asian veggies such as daikon, and sea veggies such as seaweed. From what I've read online, they just sound preachy. 

And the most interesting ones I've found

• Kangatarian: also lovingly called "vegeroos," (AWESOME!) kangatarians are basically vegetarian, but they also eat… you guessed it… kangaroo meat. The funny part is the "why." According to some Australian newspapers, it's ok (according to kangatarians) to consume kangaroo meat because wild kangaroos require no extra land/water for farming, and they don't fart a bunch like cows. Seriously, cows fart a bunch, look it up. Wild kangaroos also eat organic (… duh). 
• Cameltarianism: thank you Australia for making this fun. Just like kangatarianism, but with Austrailian feral camels. Sounds awesome. 

"From now on, you and I are in grave danger"

OH MY GOD HOW LONG IS THIS SONG? WE'RE JUST CROSSING THE 9 MINUTE MARK. THERE ARE ONLY TWO VERSES AND A CHORUS, AND THERE ARE ONLY FOUR CHORDS!!! 

Ok I'm getting out. Brb.

So my leaving the coffee shop was intended to result in my relocation to another, but it is finals time so all of the places open late in downtown Fullerton were PACKED. Thus I called it a night, and I'm starting new today. Let's see where were we? Ah yes.

The Language of Nutrition

Ok here's how we break down our nutritional terms. We have:

Calories

Pretty simple, a calorie is a unit of measure referring to the potential energy value of a food or beverage (although it could refer to anything, not just food). Diets usually revolve around calorie intake, which makes some sense. If you eat more calories than you expend through your natural metabolism and daily activities and such, then you'll gain weight. So eat fewer. Of course it's not that easy, there are lots of other factors beside energy in weight loss. The term "empty calories" basically means something with a lot of calories and little to no nutritional value. Like, how a big mac has no nutritional value, no vitamins/minerals/fiber or anything. We won't talk about alcohol. Let's not ruin that. 

Carbohydrates

The topic of carbohydrates can be a little complex… or it could be fairly simple. Hehehe a little nutritional humor. Basically carbs are your body's favored source of energy. While the Atkins diet would have you believe that carbs are bad, in fact, carbs are essential. It's a matter of WHICH carbs you consume. 

Complex carbohydrates consist of whole grains, cereals, starchy veggies, and dried legumes. They have tons of fiber, proteins, vitamins and minerals. What you want to watch out for is how they're refined. Some refined foods are ok, like cracked grains. But if you have over-refined foods, you end up with very little nutritional value. For example, we talked about potatoes having lots of nutrients in the skins. In fact, potatoes are very high in vitamin C, copper, potassium, manganese, dietary fiber, and their phytochemicals rival those in broccoli! Now, if you buy instant mashed potatoes… don't expect to cure what ails ya. 

Simple Carbohydrates, ofter referred to as "simple sugars" are in fruits, veggies and milk. Since these carbs are in fruits and veggies, they also come with lots of nutritional hootdedoo, so that's good. 

Refined sugars are honey, maple syrup, molasses, white and brown sugar, corn syrups and the like. They're… not very good for you, at least not nearly as beneficial as simple sugars. 

Fiber is good for a number of things. It has been shown to aid in reducing cholesterol for example. Also it gets your poop out. Don't laugh, it definitely beats the alternative. 

Proteins

Protein isn't really a difficulty when it comes to Americans. Our problem is that we usually choose the FATTIEST of proteins, namely red meats and such. In any case proteins are made of amino acids. There are 20 different kinds, and our body can manufacture something like half of them. So we need to consume the other half. Pretty simple. Now, when we think protein we usually think something bloody, but in fact lots of plants are high in protein as well. Beans and lentils are super high in protein, as are spinach, broccoli, and soy beans. As far as the chef is concerned, the problem is that it's relatively easy to get protein in the diet. So a 6-8oz piece of meat is plenty, but it doesn't really look like much. So you've got to dress it up to make it seem like a lot of food. 

Fats and Oils

Ok here it's a little confusing. BASICALLY

You've got cholesterol, which is bad. It's found in animal foods such as egg yolks and organ meats, so watch it on those. To measure your cholesterol, the doc looks at your low-density lipoproteins or LDLs (they're super bad and lead to arteriosclerosis), and your high-density lipoproteins or HDLs, which remove LDLs from your body. So how do we get more HDLs? Well first we avoid saturated fats, like butter, lard, etc. (with some exceptions in moderation: coconut oils are actually alright). Next we eat more monounsaturated fats, like nuts, avocados, and olives. We can also have polyunsaturated fats, though they're not as good for you. These include corn, safflower and vegetable oils. 

Cholesterol, LDLs, saturated fat = bad

HDLs, monounsaturated fats = good

Polyunsaturated fats = ok

Rapeseed is canola oil. You'll never forget now.

Vitamins and Minerals

Short and sweet

• Phytochemicals: found in plants, they're good for you
• Beta-Carotene: orange and red veggies, leafy greens and members of the cabbage family. Good for your hair, eyes, teeth, skin and nails, among other things
• Anti-Oxidants: vitamins C and E among others. They're like a Rocky training montage for your immune system
• Major minerals: Calcium, potassium and sodium are a big deal in the body. They maintain the fluid balance in your body as well as the acid/base balance. Of course, watch it on things like sodium, because if you have too much it can be rule bad. 

Also, you need to drink a lot of water. 

The Seven Guidelines for Nutritional Cooking

1. Cook all foods to retain their nutritional value in addition to their flavor, texture and appeal. Basically, don't add extra fat if you don't need to, cook things fresh right before they're served, and generally try and keep in the nutrients. Also, little known fact: a lot of the flavor in food comes from the nutrients it retains. More nutrients=more flavor.
2. Include lots of grains, legumes, veggies and fruits
3. Serve appropriate portions. People don't need 72 oz steaks, even if they're willing to pay $250 for it. 
4. Try and keep everything local. The farther the food has to travel to you, the fewer nutrients it has, and therefore the less tasty it'll be. Try and keep the processed foods out as much as possible.
5. Go for monounsaturated cooking fats and oils over saturated fats. Try not to use SO much butter, even if it is delicious.
6. Use calorie dense foods such as eggs, cream, butter, cheese etc moderately. Even if they are delicious. I'm sensing a pattern here.
7. Learn a lot of different ways of seasoning so you don't have to rely on salt. Salt isn't bad, but it's easy to go overboard, and sodium is even more plentiful in foods than protein. Just don't overdo it. 

So what have we learned? Well, not a ton really. Basically eat your fruits and veggies, and don't overdo it with fats and oils. Pretty straightforward. Here are a few more pro tips for retaining the nutrients in food though.

• Boiling isn't the best for veggies, as most of the nutrients are lost into the water. Hence why the water turns orange when you boil carrots. 
• Color and flavor are directly related to the nutritional value of food. If you've got some less-than bright veggies, might want to reconsider your purveyor. 
• I know I've said it before, but try to keep the skins on if possible. Most of the nutrients in fruits and veggies are in/right under the skin. Peel it off, and you're losing out. Remember Grandma Helen and eat your potato skins!

If you'd like to learn more about health and nutritional value in different ingredients, check out www.whfoods.com. It's a pretty decent database that goes into detail about the nutrients and health benefits of different fruits, veggies and etc. 

Well, that wasn't so bad. Pretty straightforward chapter. Thanks for stickin' around, (since... we still haven't hit cooking things). Next up, we've got… KNIVES!

Cheers

Post Thanksgiving... Post

Hope everyone had a lovely Thanksgiving, I know I had entirely too many carbs. It's funny, it always seems like the holiday is all about the turkey, but realistically, unless you have a giant family and you're going to put the whole bird on the table and carve it, it's really just one of several dishes. For me, the mac and cheese is the most important. And pan gravy. Pan gravy on mac and cheese. Which I did not have for breakfast today…

Anyway, here we are to start another chapter of our journey through The New Professional Chef. With each new entry of CFRN, I've tried a different coffee shop to sit and read/blog. My current favorite is Cafe 109 in Fullerton, CA. Their dirty chai is delicious, it's quiet and relaxed, and the baristas are super nice. Also, today there's a harpist playing Christmas carols on a folk harp, a family of six playing candy land in the corner, and it's drizzling outside. It's a nice day to be in this cafe.

I checked the page views for CFRN today and found that we've had 464 views. I'm flattered and humbled, to be honest. I started this blog as a project to force me to finish something, and it's nice to see there are some along for the ride. I know I'll need the support… since we still haven't even gotten to any kind of cooking, and after skimming ahead it doesn't seem like it's happening for a few more posts… In any case, thank you for reading, and if you have any comments, please feel free! 

Ok, time to get started 

Chapter 2: Food and Kitchen Safety

To start off, we have to understand that food safety has surprisingly enough been an issue since… forever. It's not just a new fad brought on by a new health-conscious public full of hipsters (the social offspring of yuppies and hippies). In fact, there have been outbreaks of such and such foodbourne disease as old as recorded history, it's just that now we have a more functional consumer protection, including a very active media. Naturally, with industrialization comes newer, fancier forms of food safety issues, stemming from the practice of genetically engineered foods, irradiation, pollution, and the use of herbicides and pesticides (which, while banned in the U.S., are still in use in many of the countries from which we import produce). So what do we have in the fight against foodbourne illness? Well, to start we have the Food and Drug Administration, which inspects food processing plants regularly. But then we have to look at the scope of the volume of food produced in the U.S. It's pretty ridiculous. The book lovingly points out that logically, there's no way that there are enough trained inspectors available to inspect so much food. Plus, many of the inspection standards were established near the turn of the century, so they're not exactly up to date, and there are new foods emerging every day, so they have no applicable standards anyway. 

Feeling safe yet? Yes? Oh, well then, let's talk about some of our foodbourne diseases.

Salmonellosis is a disease caused by the salmonella bacteria, usually found in undercooked poultry, eggs, milk, cheese, and apparently unrefrigerated sliced fruits such as melons (yeah, holy crap, I didn't know about that last one either. What the hell??). Plus, the whole "organic" thing doesn't apply here, since studies have shown an equal chance of salmonella in "free-range" and "organically grown" chicken as those pumped out of a factory. The solution? Wash your hands a ton whenever handling poultry, as well as all surfaces, equipment, etc. Also don't undercook it. Rare steak = delicious. Rare chicken = death. 

Trichinosis is brought about by eating pork infected with trichina worm larvae, which grow and mess with your intestines and blah blah, rarely resulting in respiratory paralysis. According to the FDA, the solution is to cook your pork to an internal temperature of at least 155°F, and kill those little buggers. 

Botulism is a strange disease, caused by the consumption of poorly canned/jarred foods. Also, oils infused with garlic and shallots left at room temperature can cause problems. Botulism messes with your voluntary muscles, cranial nerves, and can lead to respiratory failure. Watch out for bulging or weird cans/jars, and avoid storing foods in their original jars or cans (Jam/preserves and such are fine I believe, just don't keep your leftover chicken-in-a-can in the can in the fridge. Just kidding… don't eat chicken in a can).

Yeah, I'm rull hungry now

Toxic Poisoning is a blanket term, meaning you should watch out for poisonous foods like certain wild mushrooms. Some can get you high (which has it's own list of issues, including, but not limited to permanent schizophrenia), some can cause vomiting, diarrhea, kidney failure, seizures, and death. Basically, make sure you know your mushrooms, where they came from, etc. Don't just pick whatever grows in the woods willy-nilly.

Bet you're super hungry now.

Reducing the Risk of Foodborne Illness

Don't worry, it's actually a pretty simple task to prevent dying a horrific spazzy death by meat-bugs or hallucinations. The United States Food and Drug Administration (USFDA) has a good Food Code, and certain certifications, permits, inspections, etc are necessary for opening/running a restaurant. These are usually posted in the window, and can be a grade or a pass. If there isn't one showing… well, you might want to ask or just reconsider where you get your pulled pork with mushrooms sandwich. Beyond becoming familiar with federal as well as state and local health codes, here are a few kinds of contamination of which the private chef should be aware:

Chemical Contamination in the Kitchen

When we say chemical, we're referring to foods treated with certain fertilizers, pesticides, herbicides, antibiotics, steroids, hormones, as well as chemical contaminations that happen in the kitchen when we work with scratched copper saucepans, or accidentally spill a bottle of 409 into the chicken noodle soup. Keep your cleaning supplies separate, make sure your pans are well lined, and use food-grade plastics, glass, etc for storing food products.

Physical Contamination in the Kitchen

Physical contaminants are the fingers you find in your Wendy's chili. Beyond fingers, we can also include finger accouterments such as fingernails, bandages, and dirt, as well as non-finger-related items such as pieces of plastic wrap, dirt, hair, glass/wood/metal splinters, and bugs. As a chef, you've just got to be on your toes about these contaminants, since even though the government has standards (GRAS - "generally recognized as safe"), they still allow  30 or more fly eggs per 100 grams of tomato paste, pizza sauce or other sauces. Alternatively, you can have 15 or more fly eggs and one or more maggots, OR two or more maggots. Not both though, that would be ridiculous. It's funny that somewhere there's a grossness conversion table that lists "15 fly eggs = 1 maggot." 

Biological Contamination

The diseases and such that we listed before are examples of biological contamination. You've also got other non-listed parasites and molds that can creep in. 

Potentially Hazardous Foods

We kind of touched on this earlier, but basically there are some foods that are more likely to carry certain diseases/pathogens, e.g. chicken and salmonella. Now, we can look at these specific foods, but realistically there are all kinds of bacteria in the different foods we eat. A main key to keeping safe from impending death by diarrhea is to know the environment that causes pathogens to grow and multiply, so as to avoid their trojan-horsing their way into our bodies. 

The Three Requirements of Pathogens

Pathogens park their Fiats in three different neighborhoods. First we've got protein, which is in surprisingly almost everything, though is most abundant in meats, fish, poultry, and eggs. Second, there's water. The more moist the food, the more susceptible to pathogens it is. For example, rot vegetables have a lower moisture content and are less likely to harbor pathogens. Hard cheeses, dried, salted, and cured/preserved foods are also not hospitable to pathogens, and are thusly called "nonperishables." Lastly we've got to consider the pH of our foods (remember the pH table from Jr. High science class? Acidic on one end with a value of 0, Alkaline on the other side at a value of 14). Lemon, vinegar and sour foods are very acidic, and baking soda, cream of tartar and other bitter foods are alkaline. The danger zone is between 4 and 10 on the pH scale, so we want to keep things outside of that range.

Other factors that influence the reproduction of pathogens are temperature and time. Pathogens can live at all temperatures, but most causing foodborne illness thrive in temperatures between 40°F and 140°F, so it's best to keep products stored at temperatures lower that 40°F, which doesn't actually kill bacteria and pathogens, but does slow their growth to an acceptable level. When pathogens are nice and comfy (for example, enjoying lovely weather between 40°F and 140°F), they get frisky and reproduce like mad. There are four stages of bacterial growth… but you can look it up. The bottom line is, if you give it the chance, one bacteria could produce 72 million bacteria in 12 hours. So don't do that. 

Naturally it's important to consider how to handle food safely. Once your food arrives from your purveyor (after you've checked/counted everything, etc.), toss them vittles into their proper storage, be it a fridge, a freezer, or in dry storage. Don't forget to put new food to the back of each storage unit, so as to use the old stuff first. FIFO, First product In First product Out, is your friend. Here are the main stats:

Meat and poultry - 32 to 36°F (0 to 2°C… Europeans)

Fish and shellfish - 30 to 34°F (-1 to 1°C)

Eggs - 38 to 40°F (3 to 4°C)

Dairy products - 36 to 40°F (2 to 4°C)

Produce - 40 to 45°F (4 to 7°C)

Separate fridges for each one of these is ideal, but we're not made of money. So if necessary, you can keep all of these in the same fridge, with the warmer products (eggs, dairy, produce) at the front, and colder products (meat, poultry, fish, shellfish) at the back. Also buy a separate thermometer, since the built-in ones that come with fridges often lie. That extra degree could mean the difference between delicious delicacy and dismal death. More or less.

More to know: freezers should be kept at 32°F (0°C) or below, clean EVERYTHING very often, label all of the products (FIFO is your friend), and don't put products directly on the floor or near the walls. Raw and cooked foods should be kept separate, to avoid contamination. Also don't put the bleach and windex next to your spices and such, that's bad. 

OOOOOH here's the first bit of actual cooking stuff we should know! 

Cooling Foods Safely

I didn't realize that this was a thing, but apparently how you cool foods can affect the growth of bacteria. Makes sense, since as it cools it'll pass through the 40-140° area. Here are the steps to cool stocks, soups, and sauces:

1. Transfer to a clean container such as a stainless steel bain-marie (water bath… shame on you for not knowing French by now) or other container made of heat conductive material. Metals are the best for conducting, followed by glass. Plastic is bad, don't use that.
2. Place the container in a cold water bath (not be confused with the bain-marie, which is the vessel you use to hold the thing you're putting into a water bath. Keep up). Make sure to keep your water bath cold, adding more ice and/or draining out water and replacing it with cold water.
3. Stir the liquid as it cools. This one I didn't know, but this prevents anaerobic bacteria from getting crazy, and also helps to disperse the heat as something cools, generally speeding up the whole process.
4. Once whatever you're cooling is cooled, cover it, slap a label on it (name of contents and date) and store that shiz at the appropriate temperature. 

Reheating Foods

So when you're ready to reheat your products, they need to be heated as fast as possible to a temp of 140-145°F (60-63°C). Grab one of those instant-reading thermometers to check the temp after stirring. Otherwise it could be cold in some spots and warm in others, you know how it goes. Reheat (liquids and such) over direct heat. The book says "simply placing soups and sauces into steam table inserts is not a good method." For those of you not familiar, steam table inserts are basically those things they keep food in at Panda Express that always seem to be out of string bean chicken (seriously though). It's a metal insert with hot water under that heats the metal insert and therefore the food in it, but not enough to continue cooking. If you just put your cold food in here, it would probably just end up lukewarm, and therefore DEADLY.  Solid foods are a pain, but they can be reheated safely in the oven. Once you've heated your ish back to a safe temperature, keep it at that safe temperature (like Panda Express), and check with your instant-reading thermometer throughout the service to make sure you're in the clear. 

Weirdly enough, the book also says that you can reheat things in the microwave. Soups and stews that is. I'm not sure how I feel about that, but it says to make sure and stir it. Hm. Moving on.

Thawing Foods

So, the best way to thaw frozen foods is to just take it out of the freezer and put it in the fridge, that way it never gets to a high enough temperature to allow bacteria to become twitterpated. Keep it in it's wrapping, place it in a shallow container and let it do it's thing. Of course, you'll eventually run into a time crunch at which point you have a couple options. One, you can put your [well-wrapped] food in a container in the sink, and run water over it. Two you can use the microwave on the defrost setting, though that's not recommended for meats. Don't ever just put frozen food on a counter at room temperature, it's rull bad. 

Hazard Analysis Critical Control Point (HACCP)

HACCP is used by food processors and restaurants, and recommended (though I don't know if it's required) by the FDA. It's a system based on seven principles. 

1. Assessment of hazards and risks
2. Determining the Critical Control Points (CCPs)
3. Establishing Critical limits (CLs)
4. Establishing procedures for monitoring CCPs
5. Establishing corrective action plans
6. Establishing a system for maintaining records
7. Developing a system to verify and record actions

Basically it's an outline for common sense. Know where your food can/is most likely to be contaminated (CCPs), and subsequently deal with those points in an organized fashion in order to prevent the growth of pathogens. CCPs can be a number of things, including basically most of what we've talked about already, with the addition of cross contaminations such as cutting chicken and using the cutting board to make chocolate shavings to put on your ice cream (… yech).

I didn't make this, but I think the way it absolutely doesn't roll of the tongue is endearing

Maintaining High Standards of Cleanliness

Basically, keep your shit clean. "Shit," in this case meaning your kitchen, dining room, tools, utensils, staff, everything. Unlike in Disney/Pixar's Ratatouille, if there's a rat in your kitchen, you'll be out of business. Which… I guess actually happens in that movie anyway. Actually, now that I think about it, if you had a rat in the kitchen that could cook, you could totally use that as a gimmick, now that that movie exists and all. You'd probably be very successful, if you had an exceptionally talented rat. Nevermind.

Nailed it

Your restaurant should basically be as sterile as a hospital. Have you noticed how obsessive both chefs and surgeons are about hand washing? I'm sure there are more comparisons between the two, but the main thing I found in a quick google search was the Annual Surgeons vs. Chefs Pumpkin Carving Contest in Tuscon, Arizona. In this year's battle, the chefs dominated, with only one surgeon winning in the category of "best surgeon."

 

There's another section here on the importance of the uniform, but the bottom line is again cleanliness (wash your uniform, you sweaty fool). You should wear some sort of hat to avoid hairy food. The jacket is double breasted to avoid burns, and interestingly enough is unisex, since it can be buttoned from either side. Pants are a good idea, shorts are not. Aprons, as well as side towels (for picking up hot things) are a good idea. Shoes that are slip-resistant and thick enough to withstand all of the super sharp knives you'll be dropping on your feet are also encouraged. If you've got flair (or you're really sweaty) consider a neckerchief.

ASIDE: This post is exhausting, thank goodness for this harpist. She's lovely, her music is lovely, and she's making this odyssey of a chapter a lot more endearing. 

Section on pests… rats, flies etc are gross, empty your trash all the time, don't leave things out, clean everything, etc etc…

Cleaning and Sanitizing section… Ok we get it, cleanliness is close to Godliness. 

Ware Washing

I'm including this because it does actually have a standardized technique that one should know. If you've ever worked in a food-service job, you've probably seen the three-compartment sink before. I know I was very well acquainted with one while I worked at Jamba Juice in high school. For those who don't know, there are three large compartments in this sink. The first is filled with hot, soapy water (at least 120°F), in which you wash the dishes very well. The second sink is full of hot water as well, but it's just used for rinsing, so no suds here. The third sink is for sanitizing, filled with super hot water (around 170°F), or a chemical sanitizer that is diluted to be less skin-melty, into which dishes are submerged for about 30 seconds, then transferred to a drying rack. Often before sink #1 you'll see a rinsing station with a high powered hose/nozzle thing for rinsing off leftover food goo from the plates before rub-a-dub-dubbing it up. 

Miscellaneous Safety Things

Here's a list of the basics

• Let coworkers know that you are around/coming up behind them, especially in the kitchen. That's why you hear the chefs on Chopped saying "behind" all the time while running through the kitchen.
• If your pot washer has the hot water too hot, the pots will get hot. If you're brought a hot pot, don't be distraught, just express the thoughts you've got to your washer of pots, and say he ought not have brought such a hot pot.
• Knives are sharp, don't lose fingers
• If you catch something on fire… know how to put it out
• First aid is handy to know
• Be sure not to leave things on the floor so folks don't trip
• Lift with your legs, not your back (yes, that's actually straight from the book. Didn't think I'd see that in there)
• Heimlich maneuver, CPR, mouth-to-mouth are also handy. In case anyone starts choking/dying in your restaurant

Occupational Health and Safety (OSHA)

OSHA is a federal act that was started during Nixon, with the aim of helping employers and workers have a safe, healthy work place. It stipulates a lot of things, but most notably it says you have to have a first-aid kit, records must be kept of accidents and injuries requiring medical treatment, repairs and such done, and they also have inspections too, so look forward to that. Their job is to come in and say, "Is this safe? Not really." I don't believe they have the power to shut you down, like a health inspector checking for rats and such would, but they can probably fine you. They're the government, best not to piss them off.

Section on fire safety… training… fire extinguishers… emergency exits… blah blah

Ooh a section on smoking. Ok, so it's not mandated everywhere that smoking is illegal indoors, but honestly it's best just to do that. It seems to be a rule of thumb that Murphy's law applies as such: if there is something about which the customer CAN complain, the customer WILL complain about it. It's very easy for any non-smoker to complain about those smoking around them, so just do yourself a favor and don't allow it. Also, it's a fire hazard. 

And then the final little chunk about not letting your employees pound a fifth and do a few lines in the bathroom before work. 

Mkay

PHEW

Finally done with that post. That was exhausting, thank you for your patience. I've skimmed ahead, and here's what's on tap for the next couple of posts:

• Nutrition: What you think it is, and what it actually is
• Knives: All of the knives you have, and all of the ones you don't, and how to make them un-fun
• Raw Ingredients

So in the Raw Ingredients chapter, we've got basically every little thing you can cook. This chapter is 9x as long as most, so this will be split up, probably by food group. 

AND THEN FINALLY WE GET TO SOME REAL COOKING

Tune in next week for the next thrilling chapter :] 

Cheers

Thanksgiving: Let's talk Business

Happy Thanksgiving! 

I love this time of year. I love pumpkin things, I love the change in the weather, and I love how crazy Food Network gets. Last Sunday, they had a Thanksgiving Live two hour special, in which Alton Brown, Giada De Laurentiis, Bobby Flay, and Ina Garten answered Thanksgiving questions live from Twitter, Facebook, and video chat, followed by a short segment posted online of them all sitting around eating what they made, video chatting with other Food Network personalities, swapping stories, and generally hanging out. The most important news to come from this: Giada cut her finger. She was gone for about 15 minutes but jumped back in after awhile. She's a trooper, and a goddess, and when she wears those glasses, I melt. 

Ina didn't get the hipster glasses memo

For our special Thanksgiving edition of CFRN, we won't be touching any food at all!! Instead lets read about the nuts and bolts of cheffing, pre-slicing and dicing. Join me, won't you?

So this next part goes over the inner workings of the business/practical act of being a chef. That's right folks, we've yet to hit any actual cooking, and… it'll be awhile. This First chunk is SUPER businessey, full of lists and figures and exciting stuff meant for powerpoint presentations. If you like that stuff, keep reading! If not, tune in in a few entries when I'll hopefully have pictures of food. Believe me, I'm getting impatient too. Well, might as well dive right in, starting with…

Chapter 1: The Professional Chef

Interesting tidbit:

The term "Chef" is considered a sign of respect, not just a term to describe someone who cooks. Like calling someone "Dr. Patsasoglou" instead of just "Mr. Patsasoglou."

Side note: according to the internet, the Greek surname, "Patsasoglou" means "Son of a pasta maker," with "pasta" referring to an old Greek delicacy that includes cow feet and innards. Couldn't find any way of verifying this info, but I like it, so it's on the page. Moving on.

While cheffing is rapidly becoming a very well respected career, and it is far more common now than ever to attend a culinary school or have an apprenticeship for formal culinary training, unlike the current university system there isn't a direct path to continuing a culinary education. It's pretty much learning the basics, then there are classes and workshops to keep practicing chefs current, but no real accreditation, like a doctoral degree. As one could guess, it's very experience heavy. 

The current chef also has a few hurdles that are hard to ignore, especially in the past 15 years or so. Nutrition is becoming a pressing issue, with so many news segments focused on obesity, replete with montages of fat bellies and butts walking in a crowded street, guests now inquire about the fat content, nutritional value, cholesterol level etc. of the dishes offered. 

You know what I'm talking about

Nice Kettle Corn there...

Check out that sexy neck beard

Not to mention allergies, gluten-free, lactose-intolerant, vegetarian, vegan blah blah options needed to cater to a patronage increasingly more aware of their ailments. Similarly, organic farming has emerged as more of an encouraged standard than a luxury or gimmick. And with organic farming comes the environmental concerns of industrial farming, solid waste disposal, composting, and recycling. The current chef also has to deal with food safety regulations, changing standards, outbreaks of foodborne illness, and all kinds of things that were so much easier in the days prior to indoor plumbing. In short, the current chef has a lot on his mind, and that's not even including what it takes to run a business in this economy. 

We have our challenges. What does the professional chef need in order to overcome these hurdles?

So glad you asked.

A Chef's Professional and Personal Attributes (aka how blanket terms of professionalism apply to cheffing)

• The customer is always right. Your job is to provide "…good food, properly and safely cooked, appropriately seasoned, and attractively presented in a pleasant environment."
• You are responsible to errybody. You set the tone for your establishment and reputation. Don't be a dick. That Chef Gordon Ramsay thing is more good TV than reality, if you piss off your team and/or let your guests hear you blowing your stack, you're gonna have a bad time.
• Have a good moral compass. This paragraph was a little vague, not sure what else to put here. Still decent advice I guess.
• Wear your chef uniform like a champ. It's practical and romantic in the sense of setting the "I-am-part-of-a-tradition-of-making-mouths-happy" tone. Trivia: the toque blanche (big white chef hat) might have its roots in the Byzantine empire, while it was under siege by the barbarians. Basically, everyone was running for their lives so they sought sanctuary in Greek Orthodox monasteries. In order to blend in, they wore the same dress as the priests. Once all that garbage blew over, chefs wore white hats so they wouldn't be mistaken for priests anymore. Additionally, the 100 pleats on the chef's toque represent the 100 ways a chef can make eggs. Of course this is all legend… but it's cool so we'll keep it.

And of course we have our section on career paths. Hotels, full-service restaurants, private clubs institutional catering (everything from schools to prisons), private catering, carryout, and the like, plus non-food production positions such as consultants and design specialists, salesfolk, teachers, food writers, food photography and styling, and research and development. So now that you're a "New Professional Chef," you have a ton of options, though most will have shitty hours. 

And now for the business side. 

The Chef as Executive, Administrator, and Manager

Since I have my education in music, I have very little actual education in business (though I've had a job since I was 8, so I have a very good grasp on my own finances and what it takes to run a business as well as what it takes to run a business into the ground). But a chef has to have a pretty well developed business mind. The New Professional Chef has to be a good executive, creating goals for a company and a logical plan/system to accomplish those goals. The New Professional Chef also has to be a good administrator, developing and managing a system to track those goals and manage the machine. Executive has a plan, admin sits at a computer or a phone and makes it happen. Often they're the same person. And then we have the New Professional Chef as a manager. The manager has four main roles, and they are as follows. 

Managing Physical Assets (food and beverage, operating costs, rent, tables, chairs etc, computers/registers, pots pans and kitchen equipment, and cleaning supplies).

Best sentence to remember from this section: "The primary purpose of being in business is to make money." Seems obvious, but it's easy to get caught up in the romance of making delicious food and having regulars love you etc. So it's important to focus of course on making money, which includes naturally how you're spending your money. Here are the main steps to running a financially smooth restaurant. [EDIT] I know the numbering is weird, I don't know how to change it when editing, it doesn't seem to work like Microsoft Word...

1. Know your expenses. From this you can figure out if it's most cost-effective to buy or rent your physical assets. 
2. Purchasing. This… has it's own sublist…
• Develop a list of your needs. This includes food/beverage as well as cleaning supplies and equipment.
• Develop quality and purchasing specifications. Basically describe the crap out of each item on the list, making it easy to communicate and therefore save time with purveyors. Which they, and you, will appreciate.
• Select purveyors. You should probably have two purveyors for any item. There are a lot of purveyors out there, therefore it's statistically likely you could get ripped off. So check around with other restaurant owners and with Better Business Bureau. Also keep your eyes peeled as to the quality workings of your purveyor. You want everything to be consistent, quality, clean, timely, and well documented. 
• Develop a parstock. Parstock is the amount of stock you should have consistently to hold you over between deliveries. If there's too much you're burning cash. If there's too little, your menu could suffer, and patrons hate being told that their duck confit won't have any duck. 
• Take purchase inventory. Count your stuff. All of your stuff. All of the time. Then you can order more, or… you know… not, as the case may be.
• Forecast contingency needs. Keeping detailed records can let you predict when you're going to be super busy and therefore when you might need more or less stock.
• Take market quotes. Watch out for strikes, floods, droughts, hurricanes, outbreaks, roaming gangs, and concentrated apocalypses so you can tell if there might be shortages with certain goods. 
• Maintain a purchase log. Keep them records, which is good for your business and helps to keep the government off your ass.

Wonderful, now back to the sublist.

1. Storage Areas. Maintain all storage areas, food and non-food, it'll keep your costs down. Check fridge/freezer temperatures often, and have ish repaired/serviced quickly. Make sure all shelving, bins, doors, windows, roofs, monuments, levies, what have you are sturdy and pest-proof.
2. Food cost. This is a BIG one. Make tons of lists with food/beverage raw materials. Control spoilage and waste, and make sure foods are labeled, dated, and used in sequence (first come, first served). Also watch for mishandling, such as when your food is cut, trimmed, and cleaned. The cost of food when it is received is referred to as the AP or as purchased cost. Once processed, you've got the EP cost, or edible portion cost. So, you weigh the food in the AP and EP stages, then divide the EP weight by the AP weight to determine how much you're actually spending. You're also going to want to train your staff damn well to make sure they're giving you consistent EP weight, through proper trimming, cleaning, and portion control. 
3. Recipes as tools. The recipe isn't just for preparation, it's also a formula to determine your costs. Write them carefully, and make sure they're carefully and precisely followed. 
4. Portion control. Train your staff to be consistent with their prep and plating… or else. 
5. Menu pricing. Ok so you've got a few different factors here: your market, the cost of the food you're serving, and the type of restaurant you're running. There isn't really an exact right answer… but there are wrong answers. Some places have low prices and high volume, some have high prices and patrons with monocles. Few methods we have to determine cost (yes… time for another sub-sublist):
• Factor method. Cost of the food sold should fall within a range that is equal to a specified percentage of the sales in dollars. Here you need to figure out what you think is an acceptable food-cost percentage for your restaurant. Let's say 25%. Divide the desired percentage into 100. 100/25=4. So 4 is the factor you'd need to multiply the food cost to get your menu price. If it costs $2.50 to make a dish, then your patrons are gonna pay $10 for it. Pros to this method: it's damn simple. Cons: if you're just focusing on one part of the profit, then your calculated profit might not match the actual, since you've also got to worry about other operating costs. 
• Prime cost. This… can be a pain. You basically make initial assumptions of your total operating costs and assign percentages to each operating cost and stick to them. Once you've got those, then you can calculate and factor in your raw food cost, and cost of labor (food prep) to get your menu price.
• Actual cost. Figure out the actual cost of raw ingredients using your recipes. Then use your payroll records to factor in labor costs. Then add everything else it takes to run your restaurant (since you keep such nice records of everything). Assign percentages, then figure what the value for each item should be so have real figures, unlike in prime cost. Actual food cost + actual labor cost + your other variable and fixed costs + whatever you want to make for profit = menu price.

Again… returning from the sub-sublist to our sublist...

1. Cost of Errors. You've got to have the "just in case we fuck up* contingency plan. It's a stressful job, sometimes even the pros overcook their filet mignon. Or sometimes guests are just picky douchebags. In any case, factor in these mess ups just in case. Don't want to be caught with your financial pants down.

Done with the sublist!! Now… back to the original list. *Sigh*

Managing Information (anything on a computer, media, professional organizations such as ACF etc)

BIG lesson here: don't skimp on your computer system. As in most of our lives, the computer is a big deal, and in a restaurant it can be a HUGE help or hindrance. Next, you've got media. It's good to be involved, as well as well-read. Know what's going on around you, and use this info to your advantage. Finally, you've got your professional organizations. If you're involved with these orgs, (American Culinary Federation, National Restaurant Association…) then you get inside info, resources, job opportunities, and validation to your public.  

Managing Human Resources (cooks, waitstaff, maintenance, cleaning staff)

The basics of what I'm about to go through are briefly outlined in Disney/Pixar's Ratatouille. Of course on here, we're going to go more in-depth. Here's a clip, in case you want to skip this section. This is a long post, I'm tired too, don't worry. 

Start at 18:57

The Kitchen Brigade System

For those of you keeping score, yes, this is the same kitchen brigade system as instituted by Escoffier. 

The chef/chef de cuisine/executive chef runs the whole show, including ordering, supervising all stations, and developing menu items. 

The sous ("under") chef is like the vice president, doing whatever needs to be done, filling in for the chef, and all that jazz

The chefs de partie, or station chefs, or "line cooks" are:

• Saucier (sauteed items and their sauces)
• Poissonier (fish and fish sauces)
• Rotisseur (roasted foods and their related sauces)
• Grillardin (grilled foods)
• Friturier (fried foods)
• Entremetier (veggies, hot appetizers, soups, starches, pastas, and sometimes eggs. In the traditional Brigade system, there were separate jobs; potager for soups, and legumier for veggies)
• Tournant (swing cook, does what needs doing)
• Garde-manger (cold food prep including salads, cold appetizers, and pates)
• Boucher (butchers meats, poultry and sometimes fish)
• Patissier (baked items, pastriest and desserts. Sometimes they have their own whole section and underlings including confiseur  for candies and petits fours, boulanger for nonsweetened doughs/breads, glacier for frozen and cold desserts, and decorateur for show pieces and special cakes)
• Additional important roles include the aboyeur, who accepts orders from the dining room and relays them to the appropriate chefs, and is the last person to see a plate before it leaves the kitchen, the communard, who cooks for the staff, and various commis, or assistants who work under a chef de partie. 

We've also got the dining room Brigade system

The maitre d'hôtel, aka the dining room manager or the host/hostess, trains all service personnell, oversees wine selection, organizes seating, works with the chef to determine the menu… they're the front-of-house head honcho.

The chef de vin or sommelier is the wine guy/gal, preparing a wine list, purchasing wine, and assisting guests in choosing their wine

The chef de salle is the head waiter, but that position is usually just taken by the maitre d'hotel 

The chef d'etage, or the captain, handles guests, explaining the menu, answers questions, and makes guacamole tableside

The chef de rang is the front waiter, and sets the table for each course, makes sure the food is delivered properly, and keeps the guests happy

The demi-chef de rang or commis de rang is the busboy, clearing plates and filling water, and being everyone's gopher until he/she can finally get his/her screenplay discovered

Lastly on our managing list, we have…

Managing Time (…you're kind of screwed)

Basically, there's not enough time to do anything, no matter how early you start or how late you end. The good news is that if you keep all of your lists up to date, and communicate what needs doing in a timely fashion, you'll save everyone time. The key here is to communicate, and set aside time for communicating. Make sure your staff knows what's going on, and make sure they let you know what they need in order to do… whatever you want them to do. 

Wow, so we've covered a lot, and made a lot of lists. The last couple of pages of Chapter 1 go over what to do when opening a restaurant such as figuring out your customer base (who the hell lives here and what kind of food do they like), making your menu to match that and how to make it interesting enough to set you apart (also appropriate menu size, range of different dishes, special event menus, descriptive language, and of course, pricing), designing your restaurant and the ambiance, and service quality. That stuff is all fairly basic, and… let's face it, I'm tired.

If you've completed this entry, kudos to you! Your diligence and patience are much appreciated. I'm confident the next entry, Food and Kitchen Safety, will be far more entertaining. 

As always, I hope you learned something! Thanks for reading, and again, Happy Thanksgiving :]

Cheers